Unpacking "Financial Independence"

So, one of my financial-emotional sore spots is that my parents give me money.

When this practice is discussed in the personal finance blogosphere, it is generally in the most scathing of terms. One particularly revealing snippet of rhetorical subtext: "financial outpatient care" is a common borrowing from canonical personal finance text The Millionaire Next Door, which assures readers that adult children who accept money from their parents grow up weak, waffling, and ultimately unsuccessful--it compares accepting money to illness. The implicit message of this phrase is that those who do not accept money are healthy--walking out of childhood on their own strong two legs--whereas those who do accept money are sickly, being pushed along in a wheelchair to the hospital gates by a coddling nurse-mother.

Hmm.

My sister and I haven't turned out so badly, if I do say so myself. We're nice kids, not too spoiled, both hoping to spend our careers "giving back," and not unaware of the privilege our parents' financial situation has offered us. We're appreciative of the educations we've been given (or, in my sister's case, that she's currently getting) and we've met (or are meeting) the high bars it's set us. We volunteer. We budget. We save. And we both get money from our parents.

Why does our family work this way?

Is it a difference in values? For me (and for my family), success isn't measured in money. My parents could have pushed me towards a higher-paid job; they didn't. They paid for me to major in English at an expensive school and they occasionally do a little light bragging to their friends about the company for which I work, not because it pays me lavishly, but because it publishes good books. I'm not saying there isn't a status-consciousness; I'm saying it's measured differently in different social circles and socioeconomic demographics.

Is it a difference in politics? This week, The Simple Dollar did a series of posts on financial independence, all of which seemed to me to carry a thinly-veiled ideological undercurrent: the question "Should I expect my parents to rescue me?" all but answers itself, even if the first heading isn't "Don't expect anything." Try substituting "the government" for "my parents," and suddenly you've got a classic argument against welfare: fail or succeed under your own steam, buddy, but don't expect a handout. Here we hear echoes of a beloved trope: that rugged individualism is what made America great, that people fail or succeed on their own merits, that the great rise to the top and the bad sink to the bottom. My parents' politics, however, tend more towards thinking that the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace is waiting for a kickback from Halliburton.

Is it a difference in financial situation? My parents can afford to offer me financial help. An amount of money that seems huge to me doesn't represent a major sacrifice for them. If they were scrimping and pinching to come up with retirement money, it would be a very different story, but my father recently retired with a substantial pension and a healthy portfolio to supplement it (he also still teaches a couple of classes, which is supplemental income). They can afford to travel, take art classes at NYU, shop at Whole Foods. Those are all great things that they want to do with their money--another thing they want to do with their money is help me as I grapple with my life today and in the future. When they offered me money, my parents were very clear that it was both for sensible and "frivolous" things, that they wanted me to save, but they also wanted me to have fun, and if I can't afford to have fun on my earned income, they're willing to make that possible. In a way, it's another luxury for them--to be able to give me the opportunity to go out with friends and have a few drinks when I might otherwise have had to stick to water, or not have gone at all.

I guess I have to conclude that, insofar as they are inextricably entwined, it's some of each. It's about politics and values and finances and relationships and personalities. It's not about how much parents love their kids: parents who don't have enough money to give still have plenty of love to give, and parents who believe that offering money will hurt their kids' development are doing what they think is best for their children out of love.

So is it okay? Though it's self-justifying, ultimately, I have to say yes. Yes, it's okay, if your parents can afford it and it doesn't make anyone feel bad and you can handle the extra money responsibly and you can all sit down and discuss how things are going and you remember to appreciate the gift and it doesn't come with too many strings attached. That's a lot of caveats, but with them met, I think it's okay to accept money from your parents.

I'd love to hear what you think.